Sponge bath it is.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
