omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
