So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I cannot find my penis.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
