If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
