My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize