his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
A bitchslap is in order.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
