Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize