i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
a search helicopter?!
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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