The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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