someone owes me an orgasm
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
