Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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