i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
