I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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