My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
