did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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