now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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