Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
