Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
