note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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