Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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