i love accidental penises.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
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