What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
