I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
