yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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