Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
