I just threw up on my dentist
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
