there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Come on in and take your pants off
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