I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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