dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
