you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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