We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
