By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
