and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
