Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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