Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
