They should really pass out barf bags in church
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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