Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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