I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
