Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
