god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
