Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
