I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
