seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
