Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize