yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
