Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
