End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
