I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
