I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
