I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
