The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Drunk is not a location!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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