did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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