i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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