4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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