She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
